30 November, 2012


I hope you'll forgive me, but tonight, my heart's not really into #wineparty. I feel like I know why, but just don't truly want to admit it. I'm lonely. Yes, it's okay to laugh at the irony. I don't want to talk to people because I'm lonely.

Lately, I've felt like my brain is on the opposite schedule as the rest of the world. I have always wanted time to be with others and time to be alone. Usually they just bleed into each other in cycles, like the seasons the tides that fade in and out.

However, for the past few weeks, there have been ridgid periods of "I don't want anyone within miles" and "Please don't leave me". Randomly occuring, and driving those closest to me up a wall, presumably. They have been randomly littered throughout my day, and the abrupt shifts leave me feeling almost short-circuited.

(I failed a test in my American Sign Language class on Thursday because, moments before I entered the room, I just stopped caring about paying attention to others. I zoned everyone out and at the end of the test, realized I had only two or three words per sentence, in an eight-sentence story, written down.)

They're talking about my age at the #wineparty. I only know this because my phone keeps updating me with texts. Tonight, I find it mind-boggling to think that I'm interesting enough to discuss when not present in the conversation, but I know that's just me giving in to my darker thoughts.

The one downside to writing when I feel this way is that I never found a method of forcing my thoughts to make sense, and so I usually go through endless revisions after only several sentences, but this time is different as I'm allowing myself to do absolutely no editing. I'm just plowing through, and leaving those who aren't keeping up in the dust.

Then again, maybe tonight's moodiness is all based on the full moon. That would make me a lunatic. Eh, I've been called worse.

29 November, 2012

15 Day Challenge: Day One: Introductions and Hellos

I am...uh, give me a second...

Hah, despite my initial post, which began as a Facebook status on the same topic, I am currently having difficulty finding adequate words to describe myself. I mean, if we are the sum of our experiences, what does that say about me? Probably that I am a relatively easy mark. I've been mugged thrice in my life. The first time ended with a steak knife jutting out the back of my right knee as I hobble-ran away, eventually to a Starbucks where I found concerned looks (I hadn't noticed the knife until someone pointed it out to me. I had only thought I was a wuss due to the pain.) and liberally-applied napkins to dam the bleeding after working the serrated blade out.

The denim covering the back of my calf had turned from a cerulean to an almost-purple as blood soaked into it, staining the half-macabre/half-hilarious story into permanence. By the end of the experience, I used the very knife that had threatened my walking ability (let alone my life) to cut away the bloodied pant. I limped out of the Starbucks with a jury rigged bandage of paper towels and elastics protecting the weak underbelly of my knee from further harm.

The scar is all but gone now, but my leg still spasms whenever I look at the knife and its stained blade.

I don't know why that story was the one I chose to tell, but there it is. I'm not used to speaking about myself (more on that on Day Ten) and it all makes me a little uncomfortable, made even more so by the fact that I've never told anyone that half of it, but I can tell stories. I am enamored with telling stories, the act of creation. Crafting worlds with my bare hands, inventing scenarios (or, in this case, just re[p]laying them) to make those within earshot lean in when the drama gets thick, or when someone in the story says something witty or does something amazing.

The grammar bits of this blog may be slightly off at times, but that's okay. As glad to have you here as I am, I'm not doing this for you. I will try to remain consistent with my updates, but this is Therapy for me.

In any event, I'm sure there are more stories I could tell in this introductory post, especially since I haven't really introduced myself, but there will be more time for that later.

Welcome aboard, it's a pleasure to have you with us!

15 Day blogger Challenge

27 November, 2012

On courage.

Courage is hard to develop. Having the strength to stand up for something you want and try (I mean really try) your damnedest to get it takes a lot of fortitude, in and of itself. Not everything is going to go your way, but if you don't have the audacity to stand up for yourself, then why should anyone else do it for you? Now, getting to the point where you can feel comfortable standing up for yourself is going to take a lot of hard work and elbow grease, but the payout will be well worth it, for the more fears you face and overcome, the more your courage will grow.

'But Dy,' you may say, 'where do I start gaining courage? If it takes so much work, then why bother?' That is step number one: Prepare yourself for the work you need to do to become courageous. Come to terms with the fact that you will not just be handed courage. If you want an example, look no further than Gandhi. With no army at his beck and call, with no force of any kind, he almost single-handedly defeated the British Empire, winning the independence of hundreds of millions of Indians. And that was all with non-violent protest!

I'm not saying you'll have it as bad as he did, but think about where he must have started in order to be that courageous. Start small, in the little areas of your life. Stop lying. Don't cheat. If you're a man (or woman) of your word, then prove it. Show the world who you are. Open up to someone. Tell them a dirty secret. Own up to your past mistakes, and show that you're learning from them.

Read more often. You'll find that people with grand and amazing ideas have come before you, and although filling their shoes can seem pretty daunting, there is absolutely no reason why you can't. None. I dare you to challenge that idea. Challenge other long-held beliefs you have. Are they getting you to where you want to be in your life? Are they helping you achieve any of your goals? If not, then do something about them.

If you have an idea that you think merits sharing, then share it. However, be open-minded about it. No one else sees the world through your particular lens. If your idea merits sharing, it can most likely be improved upon, so do not be offended if someone offers improvement.

I am....

'I am' is the most powerful phrase in the English language, for what follows opens us up to others, and spills our metaphorical guts to them. The adjectives that we put after that two-word phrase are then subject to intense scrutiny by those reading or listening. Even ideas left unsaid that exist only in the intonation, the verbiage or the facial construction at the time of speaking are transmitted to others, as 'I am happy,' said with a smile is worlds apart from 'I am incredibly happy,' or even 'I am happy,' said with a frown or a grimace. Intonation can be rather important to getting your message apart. If you use an intonation that is ironic, you send a message that is the polar opposite of being genuine.

The unfortunate side-effect of using the phrase 'I am' is that it puts us in boxes. 'I am an artist' implies that I do things all artists do, or that I like things all artists like. 'I am of French descent,' brings all the stereotypes to mind: I surrender easily, eat snails (Ew.) and don't shower. Care must be used in all instances of adjective, but particularly this one, for to say something false is anathema to the idea of becoming close to those around us, and that's what life is all about, isn't it? Making connections to enrich our own experiences so that we may partake in everything that is available to us. That's what keeps me going, anyway.

Similar dangerous phrases include 'I believe,' and 'I think.' Those both precede wholly personal ideas.

Finally, in that spirit of making connections, I'd like to say that I am happy to know you. Whether you know it or not, knowing you has helped me evolve into who I am today, and I am thankful for your input into this person I am. He's pretty cool, if I say so myself.