"Two-and-a-half years ago, approximately six months after Diego and I moved to Emporia, and two weeks into my...uh...relationship with Kiera, we had just hired Sal to our lawn care company, as a credit to the community. He was just some punk kid, almost sixteen, and already in trouble with the law.
"If I ever knew what he did that landed him in my employ, I have since forgotten. I never really cared, as whatever he did, it had no effect on me or mine, so who the fuck cares about the past, yeah? The only thing that matters is where he took his life from that moment on, in my opinion.
"Anyway, it was his third goddamn day when I catch our little convict standing around in between two houses while Diego and I worked, so I go up to him.
"'Hey, kid. I'm not paying you to hold that rake up, y'know.' His response? Just a raised arm, pointing into the house in front of him. I turn to look and there, plain as day through the closed window, is this chick...uh...pleasuring herself.
"No need to blush, doc. I'm sure you do it, too. We're all adults here. Hell, Diego has a girlfriend and he still finds a way to do it a couple times a day. Hell, Sal's a teenager, and I'm a single guy with no real social life, so don't get me started.
"Moving on, as soon as I notice the woman, a milf if ever I saw one, and one of the neighbors I had yet to meet. I shoved Sal to the ground.
"'What the hell is wrong with you, kid? Don't you know anything? You can't just stand there so obvious, moron. She'll close the shades!' So, carefully, the two of us peered back over the windowsill to watch. She went on for a good forty-five minutes. It was pretty ho...uh...anyway, she finishes, mops her downstairs up, dresses, and leaves.
"I've turned to go devise a way of meeting her while pretending to work on her lawn, when suddenly I hear the window opening up behind me. I turn to see how far away Sal is to find that he's halfway into her bedroom window!
"Swearing to myself, I double back to the window to get him out of trouble, like I promised his mum I'd do, but when I get there, he's already inside. I start climbing in after him to coerce him to leave, and when I finally get in, he's made it to her dresser, and has begun to rifle through the top drawer.
"'What the fuck are you doing? Do you want to go back to juvie? We need to get out of here, like, now!' I hissed at him.
"'Easy, pops,' he casually said to me, 'we'll be in and out in no time, just like when I was at your mum's last night.'
"I wasn't having any of that, so I cuffed his ear, causing him to shout. He charged me and tackled, but I'm bigger than he is, so I stopped him. I spun the two of us around, got him in a headlock, pushed the drawer closed, and then started bringing him to the window again when her door opened.
"It was the woman's husband. Apparently he had just gotten home. From MMA practice. In between punches to the head, I was able to explain to him that I was trying to socialize troubled youths and Sal managed to fall off the bandwagon. I managed to make him sound like a real sob story, mostly by telling the goddamn truth.
"To compensate, I said that their lawn would be taken care of, free-of-charge for the summer/autumn. They agreed, thankfully.
"At the end of the workday, I caught Sal huffing something in the corner while he was waiting for his mum to come pick him up. It was a pair of frilly lace panties.
"'Really, kid? You couldn't wait until you got home?' And, I shit you not, maybe five seconds after I snatched them out of his hand, guess who fucking drives up in her spotless SUV whatever?
"When she approaches, she rolls down the window. 'I was looking for those,' she says, and holds out a cupped hand. I put her panties in her hand, she shakes mine with all the gingerness of someone holding a porcelain doll. 'Mathilda,' she says with a wink, withdraws her hand, and slides her panties on, then shifts back into drive.
"It takes me until a minute after she drives off before I realize there's paper in my hand. I open it. 'Tilly,' it says, with a phone number.
"Anyway, that's not part of the story. The next bit is where it really gets interesting."